I was pregnant, I miscarried and I named him Daniel. I held him in my hand, I looked at his soon to be fingers, his legs and soon to be toes, his eyes, his mouth, his spine, his brain, his stomach and his love.
Hoping to be pregnant, Richie and I made the decision that I wouldn't take a test until my next menstrual cycle that would be on March 3rd. I actually felt pregnant. I was always tired, sluggish and just didn't want to do anything. For me, that is a sign of being pregnant with a boy. But I just couldn't contain myself. I told a friend that I was 10 days late with no signs of a period coming on. She knew how much I have been wanting another child. It really didn't take much, but she convinced me to take a test. On my way home, I stopped at Walgreens and bought two pregnancy tests. Got home, took the test and viola, PREGNANT. I call Richie and he was extremely excited. I was extremely excited. Then, it hit me, I AM PREGNANT!!! I started to cry with fear and I was scared. I will be 40 with a newborn. But I didn't want to be 40 with a newborn. I already came to terms that God didn't want me to have another baby. So I started a few projects, made some business decisions that would increase bookings and volume, and most of all left the idea of having another baby behind.
So here we are happy happy happy as can be. The thought of a little boy coming into this world about the same time our oldest son will be leaving the home and going into the world just makes the whole idea of our transition in life come to a full circle. Not to mention a cute little Richie running around the house. Nothing but joy.
On March 12th, I went to the ER for a one time vaginal bleeding. I wouldn't have gone but it was more than enough to be concerned and I had been struggling with Gestational Diabetes. My intentions of going to the ER wasn't because I was scared for the baby but more so of my own life (and the baby too, of coarse). My GD was pretty ruff but well maintained with diet during my last pregnancy so I was concerned since I am older. And my OneTouch readings had been in the 135 to 185 zone.
ER Doctor diagnosed a Missed Miscarriage because they couldn't hear the heartbeat and wanted to immediately do a D&C (dilation and curettage) . A Missed Miscarriage is basically saying that the baby is dead but the body has not expelled any tissue or the baby. My uterus was also closed. So being that my hormone level matches the time frame of where I should be from my last menstrual (12,980 = 5-7 weeks) and not hearing a heartbeat, I felt that it was a missed diagnosis. I also had a tilted or inverted uterus which makes it a little harder to find. I felt that it was way too early for them to diagnose something like that.
On March 18th I missed carried at home. Was the ER Doctor right? Was the extreme stress and worry they installed cause the miscarriage? On March 14th, I saw my OB Doctor for a follow-up from the ER visit and she said that she wanted to wait for the baby to get a little older to do another test. She didn't confirm anything from the ER results. She wanted to run her own tests and see for herself. I am assuming here but I would think that if the ER results are 100% she would just move on to the next step. Mind you that I have been going to this OB's office for 15 years. They know my history so there is no need to sugar coat anything.
As I felt the big gush of tissue slip out of my, you know, I immediately got scared and did hope it was an abnormally large blood clot. But it was too much tissue to convince myself. I stuck my hand down there and caught it before it fell. The sack, placenta and surrounding tissue all intact. Richie and I just weeped. I began to ask God, "Why?" "Why would you bless us to only take it away?" Only seconds later I start poking at the sack so I can see the baby and there he was. And WOW how amazing!!!! I mean WOW, Amazing. How can anyone say that this isn't a life?? That is all I could think of while I wiped the tears off my face. I just said it over and over again. At 7-9 weeks gestation, he had arms, legs, inside abdominal parts, a brain, eye sockets, and a mouth. You can see the skeletal bones already forming in the fingers, the lines in the spine and the bones in the legs. Evolution did not create that! Only God could create such a miraculous thing.
I'll tell you what, I couldn't be more blessed to have seen and experience this baby. I know it's really hard for some women to go through loosing a baby. It is extremely heart breaking. I don't know what I would do if it wasn't for my faith in Jesus, my husband, friends who just gave me hugs and many who had prayed. I felt strong in the Lord and felt every prayer that was prayed for us. And I am still amazed how God created that little human right there.
I am currenly studying the book of Ruth by Kelly Minter. On week two, day two of the book, it talks about the harvest. How can you weep and sow simultaneously? My answer; Being open, humble, transparent and sharing how God is all in it.
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